Kayleigh (Newcastle)

It’s a fresh October morning and I am sitting on a community centre floor, watching the baby yoga instructor show a group of new mums how to stimulate trapped wind from a baby’s tummy.

Looking around the cold dusty room, surrounded by a mix of coos and cries, I feel nothing. Empty, disjointed and disconnected from reality.

When I arrive home, I sit in my car and sob. Eventually I get out, strap my daughter into her baby carrier and walk. I feel on autopilot, fully conscious but not in my body. I find myself thinking very matter-of-factly of where I can leave my daughter so that she could be found safely if I were to take my own life.

We need honest conversations

Eventually, feeling consumed with guilt, I return home. I pick up my phone and write a raw and real post on Facebook about my struggles. I ask others feeling the same to connect and come join me for a walk tomorrow. When parents walk together, I feel like they often drop their armour and more honest conversations take place. 

Throughout my maternity leave I’ve often felt incredibly lonely. Moments of terror have consumed me. And although I’m certain that other mothers feel the same, it feels like the crap parts of parenthood are never talked about.

The next day, I wake up and check my phone. My post has been shared 25 times and there are a few comments, but not many. I’m excited to see if what I’m feeling is really felt by others.

I’m proud of my bravery

I take my daughter out in her pram and heads towards the meeting point. I turn the corner and see nine other mammas looking as frazzled as me. I instantly start to cry with this overwhelming feeling of support and understanding.

This is when my maternity leave started and Mamma Social Co was born. I began to feel like Kayleigh again. I feel grateful for this moment and proud of my bravery to share my experiences.

Parenthood is incredibly tough and isolating at times. But when mammas connect in a relaxed, non-judgemental environment, great things can happen. Confidence can grow. Resilience can form. And wounds can heal. 

Mamma Social Co organises free ‘talk and walk’ and ‘walk and play’ sessions across the UK, as well as special events. Find out more at Mamma Social Co